I never dreamed of it. Being a mom, that is.
I really didn’t. It may sound brash to say so, but it is true. I didn’t dream of being married or having children as a child, adolescent, or even an adult. I never wanted kids, I thought motherhood wasn’t for me.
Even when I played with dolls and played “house” with my little girlfriends, I would always opt to be the make-believe teacher and not the mom. It just wasn’t my thing.
There are a couple of reasons for this:
- I suppose I just never had the motherly instinct in my younger years.
- Even as a young girl I knew that I didn’t want to pass on the genes that make all the crazy in my family. I was petrified that I may have those genes and if they were dormant, then they may rear their ugly head in my offspring. Yes, my maternal family is completely and utterly batshit crazy…so much so that I actually feared passing it along from the time a was about 5-6 years old. Good times.
Anyway, in my mid to late twenties is when it dawned on me that all the time I thought I was the anti-mom and not destined to reproduce — well, I was wrong about me. I am a mom. I have always had a motherly instinct, I simply failed to recognize it for various reasons.
I have been the care-taker in keeping track of my friends, my family, and my pets all my life. In fact, even as a child I was involved in a role-reversal with my own mother, making me more of the mother-figure to her than she to me. I knew this to some extent but I think I harbored a bit of resentment toward the whole scenario, thus choosing to overlook it.
From about the age of 25 I have known that I wanted children of my own. There have been many times that I feared it would not happen. I mean, I knew I wanted a family and not just kids..and you can’t have a family without a companion.
I knew from the first date with Cybrdad that he was the one. It just felt right. Plus, I fell asleep that night after our date and I dreamed of our child. In the dream I was holding a baby and kept asking who the baby belonged to when suddenly realizing that the baby was mine. At the moment of realization I look up and past the baby to see Cybr standing their with his “It was me (or I did good)” smile on his face. I woke up in a panic from that dream…I mean we had only gone to dinner and talked for a while over a couple of beers, I wasn’t exactly thinking of reproducing when I returned home that night.
I hope to make a family for this child like I never had. I hope our baby knows love, safety and comfort in our home.
It took a lot of years to overcome the fear of repeating the craziness of my own childhood, but I know now that things will be different in the home we will create. I know this because I am different, our relationship is different, our love is different and because I am humble enough to say I’m sorry if I ever need to…
Yet I am still simultaneously terrified and overjoyed with what is to come.